Behold! Creative, therapeutic outpourings!

When David Inocencio and the Beat Within staff came to Durango in 2003, they shared this writing with us. Though the name of the author was not given, this piece speaks for itself.

A Sound Silence

When you read this

Realize I’m not asking for pity.

But I’m trying to share my experience

As I experience it.

The most influential person in my life

is no more.

And it is because of his death

that he has influenced me so much.

I didn’t want what happened

to happen .

And I could’ve never imagined

that it would happen.

After the death,

My emotions were numb,

I couldn’t think straight,

Eat a meal,

Or even sleep at night.

I would close my eyes

and have images of the night he died

pass through my head,

and I would remember everything so vividly

that I felt it was happenening right there and then.

When I did sleep,

My dreams

were only reenactments

of the night I’d wake up sweating,

Panting,

And sometime calling for him

as he died in my hands.

That is an experience that will never leave me,

The loss of human life in front of your eyes

In your arms.

Watching the last breath seep from the lips

And having no idea that this painful moment

would be relived countless times

throughout the rest of my life.

It seems that my experience

has made me realize life's fragility

It’s abrupt turns

And its sudden ends.

I now have to make the most

of every moment

Even though my life doesn’t seem worth living anymore.

I don’t feel my experience would be different

to anyone who saw those ten minutes of my life.

Who saw those ten minutes go by a blink of a eye,

But at the same time lasted forever.

Those moments are still occurring now

In my mind

As you read these words;

Every day he dies again,

Every day I grieve,

Every day he dies again,

Never more will I be free.

Anonymous

This piece is reflective of the words written and shared by many young people found in detention. They often spoke of witnessing death or the losses of friends to gang violence. Not only was death a reoccurring theme, but such topics brought intense emotions. The kids often seemed stuck in that moment or in the memory of the death, reliving it over and over, memorializing their friend or "homie". Experiencing events such as these often seemed to intensify feelings of hopeless and a reckless abandon of the future, expecting and anticipating a similar fate for themselves.

I will never forget an experience I had with a young man in 2003. While in detention after just being committed to time in ADOBE, he found out that his older brother had just been shot and killed. What added to his pain was that he was not to be allowed to attend his brother's funeral for a variety of reasons. His shock, anger and anguish were heart wrenching. I couldn't help but sob, right along with him while, at the same time, trying to give him comfort and hope.

A Sound Silence describes another common phenomenon in the juvenile detention setting, that of jarring dreams, nightmares and night terrors. It was common for young people to share experiences of intense dreams and flashbacks, explaining why they had gotten little sleep the night before or what was really bothering them or why they didn't want to go to sleep or why they were on suicide watch. They often expressed how these reoccurring images left them with feelings of dread, fear and great sadness.

Due to the nature or content of these creative writings, staff often expressed rebuttals or wariness of The Beat Within. The kids wrote out of their own experiences...and yes! those experiences were often dark and full of pain and trauma.

As someone who has been journaling for years, myself, I understood the importance of these creative writing experiences. Not only were these young people being given an opportunity to talk and share their opinions on a variety of topics and to develop their writing skills, but writing and journaling provided them with a therapeutic outlet.

Writing about one's pain is like the release valve on a pressure cooker, and can ease the tension, anger, or hopelessness, just enough, to allow one to continue on for another day or another moment, without acting out in a destructive manner towards self or others.

My personal and professional opinion is that the presence of a creative, therapeutic writing program, such as The Beat Within, is a necessary positive outlet for pain, anger, frustration and a host of intense emotions, experiences, and thought patterns. In my experience and observations over the 12+ years of working with kids in detention, journaling and creative writing increases safety and security on a unit by providing a value for pent up anger, pain, boredom, frustration, and despair. Declaring this witness again in verses from Hope Found...

Recognizing this truth

and then witnessing year in and year out

the proof

in the power of the written and spoken word

to give opportunity for expression of soul.

Even when to live

is unbearable and confusing,

it’s a relief to know you’re not alone

in your experience and the emotional truth you own.

...At what a mind can become

when the pain is released and one,

bent on restoration and redemption,

finds life not death

Hopefully it will spread

this vision of releasing voices in the west

across the nation,

Stand not in the way of this tide lest

the overwhelmed dam of hate and strife

break and down us all

finding our voices may we stand or silent we may fall

Don’t stop writing beaten hearts,

write what you can, say what you need to say

Write as if your very lives depended upon it

Tkaeu